Always acknowledge a
fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an
opportunity to commit more.
Get your facts first, and
then you can distort them as much as you please.
I didn't attend the
funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.
If you pick up a starving
dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal
difference between a dog and a man.
It is better to keep your
mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all
It is curious that
physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
The worst loneliness is
not to be comfortable with yourself.
Whenever you find that you
are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.
He had discovered a great
law of human action, without knowing it - namely, that in order to make a man or
a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to obtain.
-Mark Twain, The
Adventures of Tom Sawyer
The fact that man knows
right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to other creatures; but the
fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature that
-Mark Twain, What Is Man?
Selfishness is not living
as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
Whenever people agree with
me I always feel I must be wrong.
It is absurd to divide
people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.
-Oscar Wilde, Lady
Windermere's Fan, 1892, Act I
One can always be kind to
people about whom one cares nothing.
-Oscar Wilde, The Picture
of Dorian Gray, 1891
He who fights with
monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for
long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.
Beyond Good and Evil, Aphorism 146
The surest way to corrupt
a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than
those who think differently.
-Friedrich Nietzsche, The
Dawn, Sec. 297
It is nobler to declare
oneself wrong than to insist on being right - especially when one is right.
-Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus
Is man merely a mistake of
God's? Or God merely a mistake of man's?
Twilight of the Idols, Maxims and Arrows
He has all the virtues I
dislike and none of the vices I admire.
-Sir Winston Churchill
History will be kind to me
for I intend to write it.
-Sir Winston Churchill
If you lend someone $20
and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
It's designed to
break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything is new again,
and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as
soon as the chill rains comes, it stops, and leaves you to face the fall alone.
-A Bartlett Giamatti on
The trouble is not that
players have sex the night before a game. It's that they stay out all night
looking for it.
They say some of my stars
drink whiskey. But I have found that the ones who drink milkshakes don't win
Show me a guy who's afraid
to look bad, and I'll show you a guy you can beat every time.
Baseball is a lot like
life. The line drives are caught, the squibbles go for base hits. It's an unfair
Bluto: Over? Did you say
"over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans
bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no! Otter: Germans? Boon: Forget it, he's rolling.
Bluto: And it ain't over now. 'Cause when the goin' gets tough... the tough get
goin'! Who's with me? Let's go!
-Animal House (1978)
Danny Noonan: I've always
wanted to go to college.
Judge Smails: Well, the
world needs ditch diggers, too.
Kid: Are you a cop?
Fletch: As far as you
know. Why? Did you steal this car?
Kid: I sure did.
Fletch: Well, I'm not even
sure that's a crime anymore. There've been a lot of changes in the law.
Peter: Well, I generally
come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door--that way
Lumbergh can't see me, heh--after that I sorta space out for an hour. I just
stare at my desk, but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another
hour after lunch too, I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen
minutes of real, actual, work.
-Office Space (1999)
"Sometimes when I reflect
back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and
think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I
didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be
shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let
their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
-Deep Thought, Jack Handy
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
-Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
"Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the
decency to thank her."
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will
teach you to keep your mouth shut."
"I drink to make other people interesting."
-George Jean Nathan
"People ask me what I do in
winter when there's no baseball. I'll tell you what I do. I stare
out the window and wait for spring."
"The more we lose, the
more Steinbrenner will fly in. And the more he flies, the better the
chance there will be a plane crash."
-Craig Nettles, regarding New York Yankees
owner George Steinbrenner
"Love is the most important thing in
the world, but baseball is pretty good too."
-Greg, age 8
Definition of Bravery: True bravery is
arriving home, stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys, being
met at the door and assaulted with a broom by your wife . . and still having the
balls to ask: "Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?'
"Being a man is the
continuing battle of ones life; one loses a bit of manhood with every stale
compromise to the authority of any power in which one does not believe."
"He who conquers
others is strong; he who conquers himself is mighty."
Students of human behavior say it's no
trick to be tolerant of somebody you don't like. What's tough is to
tolerant of somebody who doesn't like you. Few people can handle it, they
"Are you angry that
others disappoint you? Remember you cannot depend on yourself."
"We must like what we
have when we don't have what we like."
-Roger de Bussy-Rabutin
not normally a religious man, but, if you're up there, save me, Superman."