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Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
-Mark Twain

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
-Mark Twain
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.
-Mark Twain

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
-Mark Twain

It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare. 
-Mark Twain

The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.
-Mark Twain

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.
-Mark Twain
He had discovered a great law of human action, without knowing it - namely, that in order to make a man or a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to obtain.
-Mark Twain, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer

The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to other creatures; but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature that cannot.
-Mark Twain, What Is Man? (1906)

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
-Oscar Wilde

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
-Oscar Wilde

It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.
-Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan, 1892, Act I
One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing.
-Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891
He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.
-Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil, Aphorism 146

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
-Friedrich Nietzsche, The Dawn, Sec. 297

It is nobler to declare oneself wrong than to insist on being right - especially when one is right.
-Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra

Is man merely a mistake of God's? Or God merely a mistake of man's?
-Friedrich Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols, Maxims and Arrows

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
-Sir Winston Churchill

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.  
-Sir Winston Churchill

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
-Unidentified Author

It's designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything is new again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains comes, it stops, and leaves you to face the fall alone.
-A Bartlett Giamatti on baseball

The trouble is not that players have sex the night before a game. It's that they stay out all night looking for it.
-Casey Stengel

They say some of my stars drink whiskey. But I have found that the ones who drink milkshakes don't win many ballgames.  
-Casey Stengel

Show me a guy who's afraid to look bad, and I'll show you a guy you can beat every time.
-Lou Brock

Baseball is a lot like life. The line drives are caught, the squibbles go for base hits. It's an unfair game.
-Rod Kanehl

Bluto: Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no! Otter: Germans? Boon: Forget it, he's rolling. Bluto: And it ain't over now. 'Cause when the goin' gets tough... the tough get goin'! Who's with me? Let's go!  
-Animal House (1978)

Danny Noonan: I've always wanted to go to college.
Judge Smails: Well, the world needs ditch diggers, too.

-Caddyshack (1980)

Kid: Are you a cop?
Fletch: As far as you know. Why? Did you steal this car?
Kid: I sure did.
Fletch: Well, I'm not even sure that's a crime anymore. There've been a lot of changes in the law.

-Fletch (1985)
Peter: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door--that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh--after that I sorta space out for an hour. I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too, I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.
-Office Space (1999)

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed.  Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
-Deep Thought, Jack Handy

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

-Frank Sinatra

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."

-Ernest Hemingway

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

-Benjamin Franklin

"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
-Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
"Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
-His reply

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."
-W.C. Fields

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
-Ernest Hemmingway

"I drink to make other people interesting."
-George Jean Nathan

"People ask me what I do in winter when there's no baseball.  I'll tell you what I do.  I stare out the window and wait for spring."
-Rogers Hornsby

"The more we lose, the more Steinbrenner will fly in.  And the more he flies, the better the chance there will be a plane crash." 
-Craig Nettles, regarding New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." 
-Greg, age 8

Definition of Bravery: True bravery is arriving home, stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys, being met at the door and assaulted with a broom by your wife . . and still having the balls to ask: "Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?'

"Being a man is the continuing battle of ones life; one loses a bit of manhood with every stale compromise to the authority of any power in which one does not believe."
-Norman Mailer

"He who conquers others is strong; he who conquers himself is mighty."

Students of human behavior say it's no trick to be tolerant of somebody you don't like.  What's tough is to tolerant of somebody who doesn't like you.  Few people can handle it, they say.

"Are you angry that others disappoint you?  Remember you cannot depend on yourself."
-Benjamin Franklin

"We must like what we have when we don't have what we like."
-Roger de Bussy-Rabutin

"I'm not normally a religious man, but, if you're up there, save me, Superman."
-Homer Simpson





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