Issue # 280
Date:
Saturday August 21st, 1999 3:14 pm
The Wrestling Booking Sheet
ROUNDING THE SQUARED CIRCLE
"SUMMERSLAMMED"
OR
"I SPENT AN ENTIRE
SUMMER IN
MINNESOTA ONE SUNDAY"
BY
SAMJERRY
Visit my Home Page:
http://members.aol.com/SamJerry
You asked for it, you
got it. Once again SamJerry is here to tell you
who will win, and how
at SummerSlam. Heck I might even get one or two
right this time.
WWF Women's
Championship Match
Ivory (C) v. Tori
The most awaited
woman's match since Zena faced Nemesis ... by every
Lesbian in
San Francisco, that it. It is
rumored that the PPV will set
a new buy rate in the
San Francisco area; an
expected 69.96. Tori will
tear off every one of
Ivory's face lifts off and reveal her to be The
Great Moolah, former
WWF Women's Champion from 1918 - 1984. Moolah will
then completely shed
her skin and reveal herself to be Sable! Hugh
Heffner, who was
watching the PPV at The Playboy Mansion, will choke on
his dinner of Miss
September and Miss October. Tori will take the
Championship Belt,
appear on NITRO the next night and hand it to The
Macho Man since he is
better at beating up women then she will ever be.
Winner - Tori
Winner - The Macho Man
WWF Hardcore
Championship Match
Triple Threat Match
Big Boss Man (C) v. Al
Snow v. Road Dogg
The match will reach
new heights in Hardcore action. It will quickly
move outside the
building and onto
Minneapolis' main road, which
also
happens to be its only
road. A local farmer's widow, 86 year old
Elvira Sue Dudley, on
her way to the local Piggly Wiggly, which also
happens to be
Minneapolis' only
supermarket, will hit The Boss Man with
her 1928 Ford. He will
be thrown onto the hood and Elvira will bring
him home with her. The
Boss Man will never be seen again, thus making
virtually every
wrestling fan happy, and definitely making Elvira Sue
happy. He will
eventually be elected Governor of Minnesota. The people
of
Minnesota will not notice any
difference. Meanwhile, Snow and Doggie
will stage an epic
Hardcore match. However, Pepper will win it when he
turns on Snow and
bites his Little Al off, then chokes Doggie with it.
Pepper will continue
his career as Spokes Dog for a Mexican Food
Chain, but be shamed
when it is discovered that he uses Little Al's in
his Taco's. The
Hardcore Title will be vacated, a Tournament will be
held, with the finals
on the next PPV.
Winner - Pepper - New
Hardcore Champion
Winner - Elvira Sue
Dudley
Loser - The Big Boss
Man
Tag Team Elimination
Match - No. 1 Tag Team Contenders Match
The Acolytes v. The
Hardy Boyz v. Godfather/Val Venis v.
Visera/Mideon v.
Droz/Prince Albert v. The Holly's,
With A Surprise Guest
Appearance By The Dudley Boyz
This will not be
pretty. Droz and
Prince Albert will be
eliminated when
The Godfather and six
of his Ho's hold them down, allowing Val Venis to
pierce them with The
Big Valbowski and permanently connect them
together will a six
foot piece of steel bar that he will fuse at
ringside. They will be
return in six months as Prince Drozbert,
competing as both a
tag team and a single. The Hardy Boyz will be
counted out when they
decide its time for them to finally become men
in the biblical sense.
They will each grab a Ho and not be seen for six
months. When they
return they will be married to their first loves,
smoking cigarettes and
wearing a smile that will take a year to
disappear. They will
continue wrestling, but go onto dual careers,
along with their
brides, starring in Val Venis Videos. Mideon and
Visera, who have been
doing nothing but taking up time and space, much
as they always have,
will be next out. After dropping The Big Boss Man
off at her luxury
double wide, Elvira Sue Dudley will return and
mistake both of them
for sides of beef that need curing. She will have
them picked up by a
front loader and brought to the curing house
adjacent to her luxury
double wide. Neither will ever be seen again.
Neither will be
missed. Elvira Sue's Home Made Sausage will suddendly
have a new taste. It
will make her a millionaire, allowing her and The
Big Boss Man to add
another section to their luxury double wide, making
it the biggest tourist
attraction in
Minnesota. What do expect
from a
state that has more
lakes than people and an average daily temperature
of
-10F. The Godfather
and Val Venis will be next out as The Godfather
falls victim to
Bradshaw's Clothesline From Hell, which is the closest
thing to a wrestling
move thus far. Venis will be too busy to make the
save as he will be
auditioning the Ho's at ringside for his next video,
much to the delight of
the crowd and viewers. This will leave The
Acolytes and The
Holly's. The Holly's have been fighting since RAW and
are still at it. Being
smarter than your average mound of dirt, The
Acolytes will allow
The Hardy's to eliminate themselves. Crash Holly
will deck Hardwood
Holly and take on The Acolytes alone. He will prove
he is a true 210 pound
Super Heavyweight as he will throw Bradshaw thru
the TitanTron and
Farooq into the upper deck. He will grab a mic and
tell Goldberg he's
next. Goldberg, who will be watching at home, will
be last seen boarding
a plane to
Lower Rwanda. The Dudley
Boyz, Bubba
Ray and D-Von, in town
to visit great aunt Elvira Sue, will storm the
ring and destroy The
Holly's. Bubba Ray will rip a mic from the ring
announcers hand,
taking his arm with it. He will insult the entire
population of
Minnesota (all 187 of them),
their ancestors and the next
ten generations. This
will incite a riot and necessitate calling out
the National Guard.
The Dudley Boyz will wipe out the
Minnesota
National Guard and all
their farm animals. To make peace, Governor
Jesse Ventura will
grant them pardons and a lifetime passes to
Minnesota's only other
tourist attraction, The Mall of America.
Winners - The Holly's
Losers - The Holly's
Winner - Johan
Karpelotomzinc - Owner of Johan's House of Trailers
Losers - All the tag
teams in the WWF
Losers - The Minnesota
National Guard
Winners - The Dudley
Boyz
"Two Titles on the
Line"
WWF
Intercontinental/European Championship Match
D'Lo Brown (C) v. JJ,
with Debra and The Puppies
This match will mark
the beginning of the end of the relationship
between JJ and Debra.
She will get up on the apron and flash The
Puppies at JJ, who in
reality has never seen them, which is the real
reason he is so pissed
off all the time. This should allow D-Lo to roll
JJ up and pin him.
However, D-Lo will also be enchanted by The Puppies.
Debra will get into
the ring and finally show The Puppies to the world.
This will so infuriate
Stone Cold Steve Austin that he will charge the
ring and nail JJ and
D-Lo with Stunners. Rushing to cover up The
Puppies,
Austin will fall on both JJ
and D-Lo and pin both. Austin will
take the mic and
announce that he is adding the Intercontinental title
to the WWF
Championship and formally anointing himself a deity. He
will claim the
Intercontinental Title is as important as the WWF
Championship and he is
the only one good enough to hold either one. He
will give the European
Title to Debra. She will defend it as
ferociously as she did
the Women's Title.
Winner - Stone Cold
Steve Austin -New Intercontinental Champion
Winner - Debra - New
European Champion
"Love Her or Leave
Her" Match
Shane McMahon v. Test
Alas, true love never
runs smooth. Test will find out that its like
twenty miles of bad
road. After going thru the Mean Street Pussies to
get to Shane, he will
find it was all in vain. Sweet Stephanie, the
picture of purity and
innocence. Wrong! She's a McMahon, and that means
she a Succubus. She
will entrance Test and call for The Undertaker's
Symbol. The Druids
will bring it to the ring, accompanied by The
Undertaker and Paul
Bearer. We will find out that Stephanie is really
The Higher Power. She
will sacrifice Test by cutting out his beating
heart. The buy rate
for the replay will be astronomical as word gets
around of the
sacrifice. Not to worry, Test will emerge on RAW as
Answer.
Winner - Shane
Winner - The WWF
Coffers
Loser - Test
Loser - True Love
Lions Den Weapons
Match
Ken Shamrock v. Steve
Blackman
Finally a match on
Shamrock's turf, and using Blackman's weapons.
Shamrock will try for
a quick ankle lock submission. Blackman will go
for a razor sharp
Japanese sword. Scratch Shamrock's left arm. He will
hardly notice its
missing. Shamrock will go for another ankle lock
submission. Blackman
will go for a razor sharp ax. Scratch Shamrock's
right arm. He will
hardly notice its missing. Shamrock will wrap his
legs around Blackman's
neck. Blackman will go for a razor sharp dagger.
It will take a bit
longer, but scratch Shamrock's left leg. He will
hardly notice its
missing. Shamrock will drop his right leg across
Blackman's throat and
hold it there. Blackman will go for a broad
sword. Scratch
Shamrock's right leg. He will hardly notice its
missing. Sensing he
has Shamrock, Blackman will reach for a pair of
Throwing Stars.
Scratch Shamrock's eyes. He will hardly notice they're
missing. Blackman will
reach for his Num-Chucks and attempt to throttle
Shamrock. He will
hardly notice. A frustrated Blackman will make a
fatal mistake by
allowing Shamrock to grab his ankle with his teeth.
Blackman will submit.
All of Shamrock's severed limbs will be
reattached and his
eyes replaced by lasers. He will emerge as the 12
Million Dollar Man,
return to the UWF, where he will again become
champion after killing
36 men. Blackman will resume his career in the
WWF, eventually
winning the Intercontinental Title in a Samurai Triple
Threat To The Death,
Three Men Enter, One Man Lives Match, against
Sammo Hung and Jackie
Chan. He will also wait for Shamrock to return,
swearing he can beat
him.
Winner - Steve
Blackman
Winner - The Acme
Martial Arts Supply Company,
Division of The Acme
Corporation
WWF Tag Team
Championship Match
X-Pac and Kane (C) v.
The Undertaker and The Big Show
The Undertaker and The
Big Show will use their size advantage to
dominate
X-Pac, who will look
like a rose bush among three redwood trees. Kane
will get the hot tag
and clean house. Hmmm, sounds familiar. He will
clean house, but fall
to the double team tactics of The Undertaker and
The Big Show. X-Pac
will come in and hit the Bronco Buster on The
Undertaker. While Kane
and The Undertaker are fighting on the floor,
X-Pac will nail The
Big Show with The X-Factor. It still sounds
familiar. As he is
about to cover The Big Show, The Dudley Boyz will
return. It will be 3-D
Dudley Death Drops for everyone. Bubba Ray will
again grab a mic and
scoff at the WWF's tag team division. He will
challenge every one of
them to matches the next night on RAW. While he
is talking, D-Von will
open four tables in the ring, douse them with
lighter fluid, pour
roofing nails on each, and then ignite them all.
One by one, X-Pac,
Kane, The Undertaker and The Big Show, will be power
bombed thru a burning
table. Elvira Sue will be proud of her nephews.
The Big Boss Man will
agree. He better.
The Rock v. Mr. Ass
"Kiss My @$$ Match"
Loser Must Pucker Up
And Plant A Big Wet One On The Winners @$$
A match to determine
who has the nicest @$$ in the WWF. My vote goes to
Terri Runnels. They
will fight all around the building, with The Rock
providing commentary
as they go. We will see The People's Eyebrow, The
People's Garbage Can,
The People's Ring Steps, The People's Time
Keeper's Bell, The
People's TV Cables, The People's Cup of Soda, The
People's Table, The
People's Announcer's Table, The People's Spanish
Announcer's Table,The
People's Video Monitor, and finally The People's
Elbow used. As The
Rock goes for the cover, Chris Jericho will hit the
ring, and blast The
Rock with The People's Chair. Mr. @$$ will cover
him to win. He will
then drop his tights and wait for a kiss from The
People's Lips. Instead
he will get The People's Size 14 Boot planted up
his Roody Poo Candy
@$$ sideways. The Rock will be unable to pull his
foot out, so they will
bath be taken out that way. The Rock's foot will
be surgically removed
by The People's Doctor, at The People's Hospital.
Mr. @$$ will be eating
standing up for three months. The People's HMO
will refuse to pay the
bill, calling it medically unnecessary.
Winner - Mr. @$$
Loser - Mr. @$$ - The
People's Doctor was unable to remove
The People's Boot from
his @$$
Winner - The People's
Hospital, Division of The Acme Corporation
WWF World Heavyweight
Title Match
Stone Cold Steve
Austin (C) v. Triple H v. Mankind
Special Referee: Jesse
Ventura
Austin will come to
the ring with both the Intercontinental and WWF
Championship Belts.
Triple H will be accompanied to the ring by the real No.
1 Contender, Chyna.
Mankind will be accompanied by Mr. Socko. Chyna
will take shots at
Austin and Mankind every chance she gets. She will
try to nail Jesse, but
will be restrained by his security force. She
will kick the crap out
of them. Austin will avoid the action as much as
possible, allowing
Triple H and Mankind to wear themselves down. Midway thru
he will chug down a
six pack of Steveweiser's and finally go to work.
He will nail Triple H,
Mankind and Chyna with Stunners. He will then go for
Jesse. The crowd will
roar their approval. It is not to be. Triple H will
awake and take him
down. While they are fighting, Mankind will get up
and put Mr. Socko on.
He will go after Triple H, but Chyna will nail him
from behind with a low
blow. Being an equal opportunity b*lls masher,
she will nail Austin
with one. Triple H will take advantage and hit Mankind
with The Pedigree. As
he goes for the cover, Chyna will pull him off
and go for the cover
herself. A fight will ensue between Triple H and Chyna.
They will end up on
top of Mankind and get the three count. Jesse wont
know whose hand to
raise, so will make the biggest decision since he
was elected. He will
raise both their hands and for the first time in
WWF history, there
will be CO-Champions. Triple H will say that's like
kissing your sister.
Bubba Ray will be heard to say that kissing you
sister is a lot more
fun. He should know. It appears that we will have
to wait for RAW to see
who is Champion, or if we will have CO-Champions.
Winners - Triple H and
Chyna - New CO-WWF Champions
Loser - Stone Cold
Steve Austin - His time as a Deity didn't pay off
Winners - The Bookers
and Fans - Think of the possibilities having
Co-Champions
===========================================
Straight Shooting
by : Fritz Capp (pwbts)
http://pwbts.com
PWBTS 2000
8-21-99
Leslie Davis, an
environmental activist who filed a lawsuit and applied
for a restraining
order Wednesday against Governor Jesse Ventura, was
denied his suit by
District Judge Kathleen Gearin, who cited that Davis
did not have enough of
a stake in Ventura’s outside activities to sue.
Is this the epitome of
a moron or what? How about getting a life? This
imbecile did this just
to see his own name in the paper. I guess it
also helps that he was
a write in candidate last year running against
Ventura for the
gubernatorial position.
The Insane Clown
Posse, now of WCW fame, was on Howard Stern this week,
mostly taking jabs as
Ozzy Ozbourne and his wife Sharon. Now this was
some good clean
entertainment, something I am sure every WCW official
should have let their
kids listen to (very sarcastic remark). If WCW
was worried about
what's her name and that stupid porn video she did
they should be quaking
in their shoes having these two idiots in their
rankings. Instead of
trying to add another legitimate tag team in their
locker room they go
out and get these two dolts off the street. How
about giving Public
Enemy a push...I mean these guys have paid more
dues then most. Oh,
that’s right, you did, right into oblivion.
To all of our surprise
Hulk Hogan is now saying he is not going to
retire. Need I say
more?
I have received a lot
of letters lately about wrestling websites that
do not send the
merchandise that they advertise on their sites although
they are very quick to
take the cash. If you have had this problem
there is a list of
State Attorney General’s Offices on the PWBTS 2000
site that you can call
to help you rectify this problem. Also if you
have had this problem
e-mail me at
pwbts with your story.
Please put the subject
as "I’ve been ripped" and include your
name...who the
offending site was.....what you ordered, how much they
took and how long you
have been waiting. I am printing these letters to
let everyone read
these so they can make an intelligent decision as to
who to or who not to
order wrestling merchandise from. There are great
wrestling sites out
there that do what they promise....I just want the
ones that do not to be
known so they are no longer supported by you,
the honest hardworking
wrestling fan.
One week before ECW
goes on it’s first national feed, Paul Heyman was
on MSNBC and I must
say that he made a good accounting of himself. I
have to say (well I
don’t really but I will anyway) I have been waiting
a few years now for
Paul to get his act back together and it may be
happening. I look
forward to watching the ECW program on TNN this
upcoming Friday night.
According to my good
friend Phil Varlese of The Wrestling Guys Radio
Show the Dudley Boyz
will be the 7th tag team this Sunday night at
SummerSlam. Phil has a
pretty good source as he told the world 4 weeks
ago that Stevie
Richards was heading to the WWF. That is before ANYONE
else ran that story.
If you are not familiar with The Wrestling Guys
Radio Show it is
broadcast live over the airwaves of Southern New
Jersey every Monday
night at 6 pm. If you are not in the area you can
still listen to the
live feed and also call into the show toll free by
going to
http://www.wrestlingguys.com
I was over a friends
house and I believe I saw the next woman the WWF
should go after. We
were flipping through the channels and on the
Playboy Channel they
had a show called Sex Court with Judge Julie I
believe it was. She
would fit right in and the gimmick would be a kick
to watch them play
out. She’s got the looks and an angle that would
make all the fat, out
of shape, begging to make some money WCW marks
out there cringe but
to hell with everyone crying about the lack of
morality in wrestling,
if everyone is going to complain and whine
anyway might as well
have a little fun in the process huh?
Why is it that almost
everyone who writes me hate mail whines a little
bit about what I wrote
then goes into a tirade about how I probably
never had a
girlfriend? Is this their way of shoving their inadequacies
onto me? Let me tell
you all I have been a musician for over 35 years
and believe me when I
tell you I had more women than your little
fantasies will ever
dream up. You can go back to your hand cream now.
Savage is now saying
that it is Hulk Hogan who is responsible for his
lack of heat. Is he
joking? Randy Savage is about as over as a minority
at a KKK rally and he
has no one but himself to blame. He sucks! He’s
over weight, old and
has no more charisma. He is trying to ride off of
what he did 10 years
ago and it just doesn’t work anymore. Face it
Randy, time to go out
to pasture.
While Lenny and Lodi
have been revealed to be brothers WCW continues to
have very homosexual
overtones to the angle. Chalk up another one for
family oriented
wrestling programming!
A few weeks ago the
Internet was deluged with fake news sent by e-mail
all due to a little
contest by Scotsman of xwrestling.com. The list of
people who just took
the news and reported it without checking the
facts first was
unbelievable. There is one name who isn’t on this list
though....MINE!
Remember that when your looking for someone who always
checks their facts as
far as wrestling news is concerned?
And with that one I’m
outta here. Remember wrestling is nothing more
than what it appears
to be.
(The PWBTS 2000
Website is adding more and more features everyday. More
than just a newsboard
we have a myriad of wrestling related sections
for your enjoyment.
Stop over and check us out, you'll be back again
and again.)
===========================================
The staff of The
Wrestling Booking Sheet
Editor: Steve
Appy
Columnist:
Mark George
Columnist: SamJerry
Columnist: Fritz
Capp
Columnist: Rick Phelps
Columnist: Cindy
Barnes
Columnist: Josh Hewitt
Columnist: Swami
Columnist: Tom Misnik
Columnist: Nate Pelley
Columnist: Robert Troy (Osiris)
Columnist:
Tom
Kirkbride
Columnist: Ryan S. Oaks
Columnist: Darren Kramer
Any submissions sent in by readers or columnists become the
property of The Wrestling Booking Sheet, and are subject to
editing due to grammar, spelling, or content. Any
information taken from The Wrestling Booking Sheet must be
credited properly, with our E-Mail address listed. We have
no problem if you want to use our stuff; just credit it
properly.
Copyright- Steve
Appy of The Wrestling Booking Sheet ©1998, 1999, 2000
"When you're young and you
pick up a guitar, it feels so powerful. It feels
like you pulled the sword from the stone. I used to believe
that it could save the world. But I don't really believe
that anymore." - Bruce Springsteen
"The greatest challenge of
adulthood is holding on to your idealism
after you lose your innocence and believing in the power of
the human
spirit after you come crashing into the limits of the real
adult
world." - Bruce Springsteen
|